Delicious Divey Drinks and the friendliest of cocktail bars

Join us for a drink!

About Us

Happy Hour

We all need a place to relax after work, so why not do it with a drink in your hand? Join us for Happy Hour every weekday from 5pm-7pm!

The musical variety at Tatted Taint will blow your mind. And your taint.

Live Music

Our local music scene is popping and we wanted to showcase some of the best talent around. When we do open, come by on Thursday through Sunday evenings to enjoy live music. Who knows, maybe you'll find your new favorite band! And McCartney can play our stage instead of that overrated one in Pioneertown.

For a special treat, ask our owner Nick to unleash his mandolin skills! Hint: his takes on Marilyn Manson classics are top notch.

Our sand bowling lanes are the best in the high desert.

Darts and sand bowling

What bar would be complete without a few games to blow off steam? After you grab a drink, feel free to ask any of our staff to borrow a sand bowling setup or set of darts and play away! And when our insurance agent gives the green light, lawn darts. It’s awesome under the amazing desert moon, but we recommend protective gear.

All roads lead to the Tatted Taint. In the distance, look for the Lone Biker of the Apocalypse.

Our story

The Tatted Taint began as a dream of longtime friends/drinkers one warm magical night in Glendora, July 2020. After a party that ended too soon, they realized the need, nay a vast thirst, for a party that would never end. And one of them was looking for another money-losing venture, after recovering from his Ceniza cigar lounge debacle--also a magical place, in Pasadena, that is now a non-magical cell phone store.

Their love of the desert, cheap drinks and distressed wood meant The Tatted Taint must rise someday from the Mojave desert floor. When it does, we’ll let you know, and life for all of us will be just a little less soul-crushing.

Wine

If it comes in a box, you’ll find it here.

Night Train

8/32

Notes of paint thinner, acetone and Welch’s.

Sauvignon Blanc

9/38

Locally grown and bottled by the Salty Prospector winery in the picturesque 29 Palms hills. Notes of chuparosa, ordnance, silica and methamphetamine, aged in the original salty prospector's beloved hot tub.

Summer Rosé

8/33

Slight effervescence with floral notes.

Andre Brut sparkling wine

5/20

The cheapest we could find, so no complaints, please. Until they find a way to package bubbly in a box, you get this.

Thunderbird

8/30

Red blend, Chardonnay and Cabernet. Not your drunk uncle’s Thunderbird, but it still packs a mighty wallop. From the famed vineyards of Modesto, California.

Pruno

7/28

This fine example of prison wine is locally fermented and bottled at Lancaster's California State Prison. It features notes of fruit cocktail, Hi-C, dusty Jolly Ranchers, Wonder bread and the sweet scent of an upcoming parole hearing.

Beer

Selection varies, but whatever we have will do the job.

IPA

Hoppy with a sweet aftertaste

Stout

Heavy with a hint of chocolate

Lager

Refreshing with a hint of citrus

PBR

As they say in Blue Velvet, “Heineken? F*%^ that sh*%! Pabst Blue Ribbon!”

Lucky Lager

My law school roommate John told me in 1991 that it makes you smarter. Or piss-drunk for half the price.

Hamm’s

The beer refreshing. $25 if you want the bartender to bring it in a bear suit.

Crispy Boys

Bud Light, Coors Light or MGD. Your choice.

Taint's summer shandy

Cactus flower, Kool-Aid powder and a dash of Pine-Sol in Lucky Lager.

Cocktails

If you’re into beard-grooming, these may interest you.

Ascot

Whiskey, sweet vermouth, bitters. Yes, it’s a Manhattan, but it’s also something a Columbo villain like Jack Cassidy would drink, so we’re renaming it the Ascot.

Mojito

White rum, sugar, lime juice, soda water, mint. The price is high because our bartender doesn’t really feel like muddling anything. But if you’re needing some stink eye today, ask for one.

Dirty Martini

The classic with an extra olive.

Old Fashioned

Just like the ones grandpa used to pass out from

Sex on the Beach

Vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice and sand from out back

Hot Tub Kenny

Lone Star Beer with a whiskey chaser. Perfect on a warm summer’s evening, when you’re bound for nowhere.

Jim Sr.

Sweet Texas iced tea with a generous shot of cheap tequila and lemon juice.

Linda

Linda likes a race to the finish line, so her version of the pina colada starts with extra rum, tempered only a bit by coconut cream and pineapple juice.

Mug Shot

Budweiser tallboy and a shot of Jack Daniel’s.

John Taffer

Johnnie Walker Black with an angry squirt of Disaronno amaretto, on the rocks. Don’t be a disappointment to your family, you pathetic excuse for a business owner, and just drink this already.

Swedish Breakfast

Hot coffee with vodka, plus one cigarette.

John Daly

Arnold Palmer would still be alive if he drank these...lemonade, iced tea and our house vodka. We’re sure this is the drink in Daly’s hand while he plays Scotland’s legendary Taint Andrews links.

The Sinatra

Jack Daniel's on the rocks. You'd better start livin' baby, 'cause dyin's a pain in the ass.

Sasquatch

Named after one of our regulars, and if you're lucky, you'll find his hair in your glass. Rye, brandy, apple spice bitters and a hint of smoky flavor from the burned-down diner next door.

Taint Bernard

Apricot brandy and tawny port. 'Taint brandy, and 'taint port, but something intriguing in between.

Grab a Drink!

Don't just read about us, come on in and have our bartenders make you the perfect cocktail! Soon, that is. We’re still a dream, but on the verge of becoming a reality.

Just steps away from the World Famous Crochet Museum

The Tatted Taint

Joshua Tree, California, United States

(760) 820-2761 tttjoshuatree@gmail.com

Hours

Sunday - Thursday: 5pm - 12am

Friday - Saturday: 5pm - Late

Happy Hour (Daily) 5pm - 7pm